Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania
Adultery as Sexual
Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania: Should You Stay Married?
Discover some pointed questions one should ask him/herself when considering leaving a marriage where adultery and sexual Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania are problematic.
adultery, sexual Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania, cheating husband, cheating spouse, extramarital affair, infidelity
I outline 7 kinds of affairs in my E-book, "Break Free From the Affair." One affair, "I Can't Say NO!" is characterized by addictive tendencies. Infidelity (as well as pornography, strip clubs, online chatting, compulsive masturbation, etc.) may be a part of the sexual Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania.
Often the spouse or partner of a sexually addicted person intuitively knows of the Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania and the struggle his/her partner has with the behavior.
The partner often "feels for" his/her partner and is in a great quandary about staying in the marriage or leaving the marriage.
If you are a person facing this dilemma or know of someone who is, here are some pointed questions to help move more quickly through the decision making process:
1. Do you really want to save the marriage or are you just plain worn out? Does it seem that it would be much easier to just put up and tolerate the crazy kind of behavior you bump into with him? Are you emotionally fried and think of confronting him with your feelings and thoughts of ending the marriage as
jumping into more emotional turmoil?
2. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you think you should hang in there for religious, moral or other “should” reasons? Most spouses who partner with those who can’t say no are very conscientious people. Is that you? Do you want to do the right thing? Are you willing to continue feeling the humiliation and facing the dangers because you believe you should stay in the marriage? Do convictions rather than practical and personal concerns dictate your decisions?
3. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you believe you should stay to protect the children? Do you think you are the only spouse who can care for the children? (You may be.) Or maybe your spouse cares deeply for the children and is a good parent. (That may be also.) Do you think that ending the marriage would make life immeasurably worse for your children? Do you fear for their welfare if you confront his behavior?
4. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you see absolutely no way out and are resigned to this marriage? You may experience a powerful pervasive feeling of being stuck. You may believe that you have tried everything and that it is in the best interest of everyone to stay where you are. Couple your weariness with your sense of being stuck and you may tolerate a great deal of disappointment and pain for the sake of the marriage.
5. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you see yourself as incapable of getting out? Your self-esteem may be at rock bottom. You may think of yourself as incapable of starting over, incapable of starting a new relationship, incapable of making the transition to a new life and incapable of making decisions on your own. It is not unusual for the spouse of someone who can’t say no to lose her sense of dignity and self-respect as he attempts to control, intimidate and dictate.
6. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you need to protect him? Do you see beyond what is there to him basic emptiness and fear? It’s there and you know it? Perhaps you fear what might happen to him if you do indeed leave? Will he be able to cope? What destructive path might he take next? So you hang in there, aware of his underlying pain and hope some day it will be addressed.
7. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you live in the fear that if you talk about leaving you will face danger? Perhaps you might face violence? You might face the emotional game playing at a new level of intensity? Does it seem wiser to hold back, not confront, not move toward change for fear of what he might say or do? Do you sometimes feel frozen with fear?
8. Do you really want to save the marriage or have you given no thought to how you might start over? This is a little different than the fear of starting over. Perhaps your life has been so wrapped around his or the care of your children that you have given little, if any, thought to you. Have you thought of your desires, your skills, your dreams, your hopes and your future apart from him? Or, apart from your children?
Take some time to seriously and thoughtfully address these questions. Once you do, you may experience a new found freedom to act and move in new ways.
Affairs: When Sexual Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania and Infidelity Meet
Sometimes, not always, sexual Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania and infidelity go hand and hand. Learn six ways in which sexual Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania is expressed through extramarital affairs.
sexual Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania, extramarital affairs, infidelity, cheating spouse, cheating husband, adultery, signs of a cheating spouse, affair sign, adultery and divorce, adultery and sexual Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania
One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania. The partner involved in the affair, plain and simple, has a difficult time saying "NO." He/she may want to, but feels compelled to say "yes."
People can’t say no? Well, I believe we all have the capacity, at some level, to say no. However, not all have developed that capacity or reached that level to firmly say no and mean it.
Some are “stuck” and seem to lack the ability to consistently act on the “no.” Please remember that all of us are “grabbed” by something and find it difficult to let go. Infidelity when connected to sexual Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania and its many forms, however, becomes a powerful focal point.
How to know if infidelity is attached to sexual Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania:
1. Sex takes on an inflated role or value. Sex, sexual conquest, sexual release becomes a powerful force. Acting on the sexual impulse is a frequent activity. Thinking about sex likewise consumes an inordinate amount of time. Multiple ways of acting out sexually (porn, strip clubs, multiple sex partners, etc.) are common.
2. This activity is bound by fear. The person lives with fear: the fear of getting caught, the fear of consequences, the fear of “being found out,” the fear of being abnormal, the fear of being punished, and the fear of losing family, spouse, job and respect.
3. A promise/failure cycle ebbs and flows with the inability to say no. After an “acting out” episode the person usually experiences guilt/fear and promises to self or others, “I won’t do it again.” This will last...until the “urge” is acted upon again. The spouse may be aware or unaware (but sense that something is not “right”) of the “roller coaster” and succession of broken promises.
4. Others are used or seen as objects for personal gratification. No true intimacy is developed.
5. Sexuality is often confused with other needs or connected to unresolved past pain or trauma. A child who experiences confusion around sexuality or sexual abuse of one form or another, may carry along that confusion and attempt to “work that through” in a marriage or extramarital affairs. (I worked with one woman who “used” a one-night fling with a significant person to “clear up” a particular issue.) She was free of that “urge” from that point on. No one ever knew. Could she have chosen a different way? Maybe.
6. Such a person lives in a distorted world. They come to see the world and relationship through the eyes of their “Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania.” They have a great capacity to rationalize their behavior, deceive others and may lead a “dual” life.
Tip: If you suspect these characteristics fit you or someone you love, get some help before your world disintegrates further or falls apart. Life can be different. Life, sexuality, a truly intimate relationship IS different. You can get there. You are stuck, and need some true love, care and guidance to arrive at the next level.
If you are interested in learning about the 6 other forms of infidelity I outline in my book, "Break Free From the Affair," visit my website.
Counseling-Make Time for Your Relationship by Avoiding
Urgency Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania
Avoid urgency Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania to balance your life. Make time for your marriage and the people you love.
Marriage, counseling, relationships, work/life balance, stress management, productivity
Lori Zimmermann of Santa Barbara, California, worked for a large international retail organization for eight years. She entered corporate America with the intent to stay and make a career. But after eight years, she called it quits and started freelancing to have more control over her work hours and her life.
“I never felt finished at work,” she explains. “While I could maintain the status quo, I really couldn’t make it better. We worked up to 60 hours a week just to get the job done. It wasn’t directly said you had to do it, but everyone else was working that hard, so you just felt it was expected.”
She walked away from a guaranteed salary, a benefit structure, and stock options to have flexibility and control over her time. “Although it has certainly made things tougher financially, I’ve never regretted my decision,” she states.
She is not alone. More and more workers are questioning their role in corporate American and it’s “ASAPs” climate. Today’s corporate culture is “hooked” on urgency where everything is a priority, needing to be done yesterday. This “urgency Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania” has become a way of life, a workaholic culture. Company routine revolves around a series of emergency “fires” that need extinguishing immediately. Employees run from project to project with caffeine energy and buckets of sand. Sprinkling a little sand here, a little there, they feel exhausted at the end of the day, yet cannot point to any specific accomplishment or finished project.
Urgency Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania permeates today’s organizations and affects all who work there. It produces an adrenaline rush of feeling important, but soon leads to exhaustion and burn out. Those who attempt to fight it by asking, “But, which one is the priority?” are told, “Everything is a priority.” Employees dance as fast as they can but fall increasingly behind.
Workers try to compensate by taking work home, coming in early, or sacrificing time on weekends to improve productivity with no interruptions. This additional effort is usually rewarded with yet another project, another area of responsibility, and more simmering fires to extinguish.
By accepting bonuses, promotions, stock options, and buy-outs, boomers are trapped with “golden handcuffs” that make it difficult to leave, hard to stay, and impossible to say “no.” Money becomes the goal rather than a means to an end. Workers find that each rung of the success ladder only takes them to a higher level of urgency Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania. As one executive explained, “I’m at the top, but I don’t like the view.”
Some techniques to fight urgency Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania in your life:
*Review your calendar at the beginning of the week. Highlight the priorities and goals for each day. This will help you to narrow your focus. While unexpected emergencies may occur, you will be much less likely to be in a reactive mode if you take time to plan.
*Avoid hop-scotching. Resist hopping from one project to another without finishing what you start. You know what I mean; you start cleaning up a pile on your desk and then decide to create a file system. When you go to look in the files, you realize they have to be thinned, and so on. Finish one thing before you move on to something else.
*Do big projects first. You may have a tendency to gravitate to the projects or work that is easy to do. These often tend to be small projects that are “no-brainers.” Possibly you kid yourself that if you just clean up these small projects, you can give your full attention to the big things. The problem is never getting around to the large projects. So start with the ones you really don’t want to do and the small ones will get done along the way.
*Have a sign over your desk that reads:
Lack of planning on your part…is not necessarily an emergency for me.