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Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania

 

Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania to Talking

There is an old joke about people who talk a lot: “Do you know the 12-Step program for people who talk a lot? On and On Anon!”

The joke recognizes that fact that incessant talking is a common Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania.

communication, relationships, talking

There is an old joke about people who talk a lot: “Do you know the 12-Step program for people who talk a lot? On and On Anon!”

The joke recognizes that fact that incessant talking is a common Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania.

Non-stop talking is about using others for attention and approval because of not giving oneself enough attention and approval. The talker is not actually offering anything to the listener. Instead, the talker, in going on and on with a monologue, is pulling energy from the listener. People who end up listening to a talker go on and on are often caretakers who are afraid to hurt the talker by disengaging or by telling the truth about their boredom.

Talkers are often needy people who attempt to assuage their emptiness by trapping people into listening to them. For example, I’ve seen people telling a bank teller their life story, while the trapped teller doesn’t know how to disengage without being impolite. The problem is that one of the reasons these people are without friends is that no one wants to be with them. It’s draining to be at the other end of a needy person who uses talking as a way to fill up.

If you are addicted to talking, perhaps you believe that you are being interesting when you go on and on about yourself. However, you might reconsider the truth of this belief if you find that many people avoid you. Most people will not tell you the truth – that they feel tired, drained and trapped in your presence, and bored by your talking. Not wanting to offend you, they just stay away rather speak their truth. They don’t answer the phone when they know it’s you, and they find any excuse to not spend time with you. It’s not that they don’t like you – it’s that they don’t want to be used by you to fill up your emptiness.

HEALING YOUR Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania TO TALKING

Imagine that you have a child within you – your feeling self - who feels very alone. This child feels alone because you are not paying attention to him or her. Every time you trap someone into listening to you, it is as if you are handing this inner child away for adoption. You want someone else to attend to and approve of this child instead of you accepting this responsibility.

The very fact of doing this is an inner abandonment and is creating the aloneness that is at the heart of all Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomanias. By expecting others to listen to you when you don’t listen to yourself, you are giving the child within a message that he or she is not important to you. When you do not take the time to attend to your own feelings and needs, you are creating inner neediness and emptiness. This inner emptiness is like a vacuum that attempts to suck caring from others. Yet no matter how often others do listen to you, it never really fills you. This is because only you can give your own inner child what he or she needs.

If you were to take some time each day to have a dialogue, either out loud or in writing, with the part of you who so needs to be heard, you would discover that you can fill your own emptiness. In addition, if you practice imagining a loving spiritual presence holding you, loving you, listening to you and guiding you, you will no longer feel alone.

As long as you believe that it is someone else’s job to fill you, you will not take the time to learn how to fill yourself. As long as you believe that it is okay to trap others and use them to fill yourself, you will continue your talking Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania. Only when you get that it is not loving to yourself or others to expect them to take care of your own inner child – your own feelings and needs - will you start to take on that responsibility.

While you might not believe that you can fill yourself better than others can, you will not know until you try. My personal experience is that when my intention is to take loving care of myself and to fill myself with the Love that is God, I feel happy and peaceful. When you choose to take responsibility for meeting your own needs instead of abandoning yourself to others, you will never feel alone.

 

Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania to Thinking

Randall sought my help because he was stuck being miserable and had no idea how to get out of his misery. In his life he had experienced moments of great joy and sense of oneness with all of life, but those moments were infrequent. He wanted more of those moments but had no idea how to bring them about.

thinking, thoughts, worry, mind, self improvement, depression, coaching

Randall sought my help because he was stuck being miserable and had no idea how to get out of his misery. In his life he had experienced moments of great joy and sense of oneness with all of life, but those moments were infrequent. He wanted more of those moments but had no idea how to bring them about.

Randall is an extremely intelligent man, but in some ways he was using his own intelligence against himself. The problem was that when Randall did have those brief moments of true connection, he immediately went into his mind to try to figure out how it happened. The moment he went into his mind, he lost the connection that he so desperately desired.

The reason Randall went into his mind was that, as much as he wanted the joy of deep spiritual connection, he wanted something even more than that - control over that connection. Randall’s ego wounded self believed that he could control the connection with Spirit with his intellect - if only he could figure it out then he could control it. The last thing Randall wanted to do, which is what is necessary to connect with Spirit, is to surrender his thinking. Randall was deeply addicted to thinking as a way to not feel his inner experience. Thinking was his way of controlling his painful feelings, such as his aloneness, loneliness, and helplessness over others and over his spiritual connection.

Many us of are addicted to thinking. We believe if we can just figure things out we can control others and the outcome of things. We want to control how people feel about us and treat us by saying just the right thing - so we have to think about it over and over to discover the right thing to say. This is called “ruminating.” Ruminating is obsessively thinking about something over and over in the hopes of finally coming up with the “right” answer, the right thing to say, the right way to be to have control over others and the outcome of things. Ruminating is also a way to have control over our own painful feelings, which is what Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomanias are all about.

In my work with Randall, he would immediately go into his head and analyze what was happening in the session the minute feelings came up. Over and over I would bring him out of his head and into his body, into his feelings. His feelings were so terrifying to him that he could only stay with his feelings for a few moments before he was back into his head - explaining, figuring out, intellectualizing. He was so terrified of the soul loneliness and aloneness he felt that he had learned to avoid these feelings with his mind. Yet until Randall was willing to feel his painful feelings, which had been there since childhood, he couldn’t stay out of his head. As long as his intent was to control his pain rather than learn from it, he would not be able to move into the spiritual connection he so desired.

The purpose of all of our Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomanias are to avoid pain, especially the deep soul loneliness that we all feel in this society. The problem is that our disconnection from our feelings - which is our Inner Child - creates aloneness as well. Our feeling self, our Inner Child, is left alone inside with no one to attend to the painful feelings. It is only when our desire is to learn about how we may be causing our own painful feelings that we open to our inner experience. Our desire to learn also opens the door to our spiritual connection, which we cannot feel when our intent is to avoid pain with our various Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomanias.

It took Randall many months to be willing to feel his painful feelings, but he discovered that when he finally had the courage to feel them, it was not as bad as he thought. In fact, when he was no longer abandoning his Inner Child by going into his addictive thinking, he no longer felt alone within. Connecting with himself allowed him to connect with Spirit more and more of the time. Rather than getting there through thinking and trying to control it, he was getting there by being present in the moment with his inner experience - surrendering to the moment. Randall found that while he could not control others and the outcome of thing
s, he actually did have control over his misery - by choosing the intent to learn rather than protecting against pain. While he couldn’t control Spirit, he did have control his own intent, which eventually led to his being able to connect with Spirit.

 

Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania To Venting

"I was up too late with my friend Peg last night," Abigail told me in our phone session. "She was needing to vent. Then I had a problem falling asleep, but at least I was there for her."

"How often does this happen?" I asked her.

"Oh, fairly often. At least every couple of weeks."

"Why do you continue to listen to her?"

"Isn't that what a good friend does?"

"How do you feel when you listen to her?"

"Kind of stressed."

"Do you see it helping her to vent to...

stress, anxiety, personal development, anger, stress management, self help

"I was up too late with my friend Peg last night," Abigail told me in our phone session. "She was needing to vent. Then I had a problem falling asleep, but at least I was there for her."

"How often does this happen?" I asked her.

"Oh, fairly often. At least every couple of weeks."

"Why do you continue to listen to her?"

"Isn't that what a good friend does?"

"How do you feel when you listen to her?"

"Kind of stressed."

"Do you see it helping her to vent to you over and over?'

"Well, she says she feels better after I listen to her."

"Of course she feels better! She has just dumped all her stress onto you. She goes to sleep and you are up with her stress. But do you see anything actually changing in her life as a result of you allowing her to vent to you?"

"No!"

"Abigail, if what Peg wanted to do every couple of weeks was come over and get drunk at your house, would you allow this?"

"No! But that's different."

"It's not different. Peg is using venting as an Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania to avoid taking responsibility for her feelings. She is not spending the time with you exploring what she is doing that is creating her upsets. She is not learning about what she can do differently so that she doesn't reach the point of anger and anxiety that she then dumps on you. There is no learning or change happening. And, your stress in response to the venting, is letting you know that listening to this is not good for you either."

"I have had a feeling that this was not working well for me, but I don't know what to do. Peg is my good friend and I don’t want to let her down. What can I say to her?"

"Well, how about, 'Peg, I know that when you vent and I listen to you, you feel better for awhile. But I end up feeling worse. I love you and I want to be here for you, but it seems to me that the venting is not getting you anywhere – that is it an Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania just like using sugar to feel better for the moment but not really dealing with the issue. I'm here for you if you want real help in dealing with the issues, but I don't want to be at the other end of your venting any more.' Is that something you would be willing to say?"

"I think so. But she might be mad at me."

"Yes, she probably will be mad at you. Most people do not like it when someone calls them on their Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomanias and refuses to participate in them anymore. Are you willing to have her mad at you? Certainly listening to her vent is not loving to yourself, and therefore not loving to her. It is far more loving to both of you for you to stop enabling her Addiction, Dipsomania & Methomania, even if she doesn't think so."

"I know this is what I need to do. But what if she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore?"

"Abigail, what would this tell you about the friendship and about her caring for you?"

"I guess it would tell me that she is using me rather than really caring about me and our friendship."

"Right. If she pulls out of the friendship because you don't want to listen to her vent, then she is not really a friend. It means that she want to go on being a victim, not taking responsibility for herself and dumping her feelings onto you."

"Okay, I'm going to do this. I am at the point where I want friends who are learning and growing, not friends who are being victims. I guess I have nothing to lose, and I will get more sleep!"

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