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Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation

 

5 Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation Killers and How to Avoid Them

Don’t let your Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation fail. Learn about 5 Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation killers and begin to heal the underlying fears that cause these Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation killers.

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As a Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliations fail. In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five major Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation killers:

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

Most people enter a Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control.

Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

RESISTANCE

Many people enter a Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled - the Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation becomes immobilized. Partners in this Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

NEEDINESS

Many people enter a Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.

SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS

Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

EYES ON PARTNER'S PLATE

Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.

RESOLVING Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation KILLERS

All Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.

The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation.

A good place to start is to download our free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal your Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation.

 

13 Love Killer Phrases

To be in loved with a girl and start a Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation is a wonderful thing. Long term Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliations are usually based on love, trust and honesty. Even if honesty is very important in a Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation, sometimes may be hurtful.

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To be in loved with a girl and start a Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation is a wonderful thing. Long term Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliations are usually based on love, trust and honesty. Even if honesty is very important in a Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation, sometimes may be hurtful. There are some things that can't be told to the partner because it may hurt her, or make her change the opinion about you. For example, some bad things you've done in the past, a truth about her that will make her feel bad if you tell her, and so on.

Even if you love her very much and you are getting pretty close, these things that can affect your Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation should be kept in secret. Sometimes you can best show her your love by keeping your mouth shout. So, before you start to be too confident and directly with her, you should take a look at these things that may destroy your Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation.

Never tell her she is getting fat

Even if this is true, you can't tell her this. It will make her feel very bad, and will think that you don't like her anymore. Think about how she would feel if you go there and say: '' honey, you could stand to lose a little weight ''. Let her decide when is the time to lose weight because she will do it without you hurting her. In most of the cases when a man told her girlfriend that she got fat, he gets dumped.

Don't tell her how your mother would have done things

I know that for men their mothers always represent a model in life, but we have to admit that all the families are different. So, we have been raised by different kinds of parents and in different ways of life. Everyone is taught to do things in their ways and that's why you can't ask your girlfriend to do things or to live like your mother. A woman can have her views and opinions, and all you can do about this is to tell her stories about how you were raised and how things have been done in your family. You should adapt at this new way of life, without comparing her with your mom.

Don't tell her that you like to visit your mom too often

Maybe in that moment you love your mother more that her, but you don't have to show it. She may think that she is competing with your mom, or worst, that you are depending on mommy. It is not at all in your favor.

Don't criticize her when she is trying to do her best

This is the worst thing you can do. If she sees that she is trying hard to do the things fine and you begin criticize her, she would feel disappointed that you don't know to appreciate her for the fact that she is trying her best. So you should get over it, and offer you to help her in doing that job. Maybe next time she'll be doing better.

Never tell her if your family doesn't like her

Even if your family dislike her, it is better to not tell her because she will get angry and insecure. This will create future problems and tension between her and your family. All you can do is to let your family know that she is the one you have chosen and they have to respect your decision. Try to make them change their minds about her.

Don't remind her about your ex in a special moment

Never ever compare your dating nights or things you do together with the ones you have done with your ex. It might happen to go with her in places where you have been with the other, but don't remind her that. It is a hurtful thing for her to see that you are still thinking about the other.

Also, never compare her to your ex in bed. She will feel bad to find out that the other was better than she in bed. No woman likes to be compared to another, in any aspect.

Don't recognize if you have done bad things in your past

If she doesn't find out already, you better keep your mouth shout; it is in your favor. If you tell her that you have cheated your past girlfriends, for example, she will have a totally bad opinion about you, and also fell disappointed. So these things you shouldn't divulge.

Never tell her that a football game is more important for you than her

Even if is an important game, don't tell her to let you alone in that moment because you are busy and don't have time for her. You better smile and pretend that you are listening to her too, and try to catch the key words. She might ask you what she was talking to you to test you.

Don't tell her that you hate her friends

Because she knows her friends for a long time that she knows you, it is not a good idea to tell her that she doesn't like her friends, or to say something bad about them. She may get angry about this, so you better pretend that you like them and everything is ok.

Don't ask her to relax when she is very angry

When she is very upset, scared, or very angry the worst thing you can do is to ask her to relax. This will make her angrier because she will think that you don't take her in serious. If you upset her by making some bad things, if you just say her to relax she will understand that you are denying that there is a reason to be upset.

Don't tell her that you are insecure

In a Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation or dating woman is looking after a strong and confident man. So if you are insecure, or you are jealous on her because, for example, she has a better salary than yours, you have to keep this aspect just for yourself. She doesn't have to know it if you want that things between you to go well.

Don't declare your love during a fight

The words ‘‘I love you ‘‘mean a lot for a woman that's why it should be said at the right moment. But most of guys say this during they have a fight with their partner, in the worst moment ever. When you are mistaking in front of her, and let’s say that you feel guilty, you want her to forgive you, so you declare your love for her. It is a wrong choice. She doesn't believe a word in what you say because she considers that if you really loved her you wouldn't upset her. You may say you love her but only after your fight is over.

Do not tell her that you like her girlfriend

Maybe one of her girlfriends is very beautiful and you would like to meet her first, but your actual partner shouldn't find this. If you say her that her best friends looks very good, she will feel hurt, angry and will never trust you around her friends. So keep it secret and make sure to not be obvious from your attitude that you like staring at her girlfriend sometimes.

If you want to have a long and strong Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation you shouldn’t permit that some things you may say to destroy it. Don't be completely honest about the things which should not be told.

 

Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation Killers

Whether a Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation lives or dies largely depends on the individuals involved. What is seen to be an insurmountable Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation killer by one person will just be a minor challenge to another.

Take infidelity for example, some Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliations survive and even thrive by acknowledging either one or even both partners will seek sexual fulfilment, in part, outside the marriage but as a whole fidelity is paramount for a healthy marriage.

I was listening to the radio the oth...

Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliations,infidelity,save your marriage

Whether a Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation lives or dies largely depends on the individuals involved. What is seen to be an insurmountable Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation killer by one person will just be a minor challenge to another.

Take infidelity for example, some Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliations survive and even thrive by acknowledging either one or even both partners will seek sexual fulfilment, in part, outside the marriage but as a whole fidelity is paramount for a healthy marriage.

I was listening to the radio the other day when a girl stated that whether her marriage went ahead or not depended on how accurately her fiancée could answer questions about her. I don’t know about you but if I had expected my partner to know all my likes and dislikes before we got married our Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation would have been dead in the water. As it is we wouldn’t have been without each other for the past 20 years.

Marriages have even broken up over one of the partners forgetting a birthday or an anniversary. I must confess that I don’t really want to be reminded of how quickly the years are passing me by and I’m equally prone to over looking special dates as my partner. What is more important to me is how we relate to each other throughout our lives and not just on one or two days of the year.

As you can see, what would totally destroy one marriage is perfectly acceptable in another it just depends on the characteristics of the individuals involved and, in some cases, the timing of events.

• One of the biggest Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation killers is most definitely infidelity. Many people struggle to understand and come to terms with such a betrayal but more importantly, struggle to regain the trust.

• Abuse is something which is tolerated far too often. No one should have to be subjected to any kind of physical, emotional or financial abuse. I only have one bit of advice to someone who is in an abusive Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation, get out, even if the abuse is only occasional. Even occasional abuse is unacceptable and it will only get worse. You can always return if and when they have sorted themselves out but no matter how much you have been promised that it will never happen again it always will unless you take a stand.

• Lack of ability to communicate is a real Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation killer. So many marriages have been thrown away through a lack of understanding and a total inability to communicate. Often all it would take would be for couples to learn how to listen to each other and many perfectly good marriages could be saved.

• Trust is so important in any Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation. If trust doesn’t exist it is very difficult to keep a Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation alive. Infidelity, gambling, drinking, drugs and financial spending are all strong and compelling reasons for not trusting your partner (among many others). A marriage can only usually be saved if the reason for the lack of trust is eliminated and both parties are prepared to forgive and forget. Unless you can let go of the past you cannot look to the future.

• Jealousy can often exist is cases when one partner is still friendly with someone they used to have a Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation with or when a new baby comes along and all ‘couple’ time is eliminated or step parents can be jealous of their partners Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation with their children. Obviously the source of the jealousy can’t always be eliminated, you can sometimes stop seeing previous partners but you can’t exactly throw the baby out the window or banish the step children. Resolving jealousy comes back to communication, discussing and understanding the reasons for the jealousy and jointly devising an action plan to over come it.

• All too often the initial romance of any Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation often clouds people’s judgement when it comes to what both partners want out of life. A simple example is children, how many women get married knowing that they don’t want children or don’t want children any time soon but don’t communicate this to their partner. It is so important to be totally upfront. Other issues sometimes develop when one partner is far more ambitious than the other or just wants different things out of life. Unless your dreams of a perfect marriage are on the same playing field then it’s often a ticket to disaster. Couples need to be totally upfront and honest with each other both before and after marriage to ensure that the dreams and desires of both parties are met and fulfilled.

• Financial issues put a great strain on any Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation. Couples often divorce due to lack of money when all they really need to do is solve the core problem. And statistics obviously show that finance is far more of an issue once you are divorced. I was watching a programme the other day and this couple had survived 15 years living with parents while they saved up for a house. Enough to put a strain on any marriage. However, what I then realised was that they had three children, one of which was probably conceived very early on, and the wife had stayed at home to look after them. This left me thinking, wouldn’t their life have been much easier and wouldn’t that house have come quite early on in the marriage if they had just delayed their plans for a family and both worked for a deposit in those first couple of years. As it happened, their marriage actually survived the 15 years but how many others would have?

• To many it sounds strange, but a lot of married couples feel lonely, especially when their partners work long hours and/or spend periods of time away from home. Sometimes a partner will head to the pub, to the gym or to a mate’s, after work, or I know of many golfers who take a week or even two of their annual holiday to go off golfing without their family. In any relation ship there has to be a balance between work, personnel time and family / couple time.

• Lack of intimacy can often make people feel worthless, unwanted and unloved. Even if sexual relations have diminished or ceased a Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation can still survive through other types of intimacy, a kiss, a cuddle or a caress. Once intimacy ceases in any form partners often feel that they are no longer desired and it is inevitable that people who need an element of intimacy will seek affection else where.

• Many people often say they think their marriage is over when they no longer feel that they are that special person in their partner’s lives. It can become a real big deal when a couple settles down into married life and the romancing comes to an end. No more flowers, romantic diners, endless conversations while you learn all about each other. Perhaps the presents have stopped or less effort is put into making each other happy or children have taken priority. Of course the answer is so much simpler than heading for the divorce courts, just start making an effort and spend more quality time as a couple, bring the good times back. After all that’s just what you’d have to do if you were to start all over and how often to people realise far too late that the grass wasn’t greener.

• The break up of long term marriages can often be as a result of the children leaving home. Couples often have children early on in the marriage from which time their lives totally revolve around the children. Once the children have grown up and left home the parents are no longer comfortable with each others company and just don’t know what to do as a couple. As the children get older it is vital that couples start spending more time together no matter how difficult it is and learn to enjoy each others company without the children.

• Letting yourself go can be a real Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation killer especially if you were really good looking when you got married. If just one partner gets too comfortable in the Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation and feels they no longer need to make an effort it can become a major negative to the future of the marriage.

This is but a short list of reasons why marriages might fail and just because something on the list will destroy one marriage it doesn’t mean to say it will destroy another. Like people, all marriages are unique, the real key to saving your marriage is, understanding what is causing you to feel that your marriage is failing, recognising what action you need to take to put it right and having the determination and the desire to do so.

For almost every possible Relationship, Liaison, Alliance, Affiliation killer learning how to communicate is critical, if you truly want to save your marriage.

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